Death or...

It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta. 

-Dave Berry

Whenever March and April come around, it is an accepted fact that the process of filing taxes will undoubtedly baffle me yet again. This year was no exception. Coming from someone who just spent four years dealing with the worst kind of red tape and tedious paperwork in the world (thanks, France), that is saying something.

Usually I just have to deal with the 1040EZ, which I honestly find complicated enough to leave me a tax-hangover for a few days. Well, this was the first year Remy & I had to tackle filing "married filing jointly" (although technically last year we did, too, but considering we had NO income in 2010 it only took like 13 hours instead of the usual 27). To complicate matters, Remy did a project earlier in the year for MokaSocial for which he was paid "nonemployee compensation" and it took me six hours to try to figure out what the hell that means and how to file because of it.

I finally figured it out and went through my first official full long-version 1040 experience on my own. It was more than confusing, it was more than stressful, and multiple times I thought about making up a tax-return drinking game. It would go something like this:

13 Combine the amounts in the far right column for lines 7 through 18.3.
14 Multiply $1234 by the sum of the amounts on lines 5f and 21a.
15 If you aren't confused, take a drink.
16 If you are confused, take two drinks.
15 Subtract line 14 from line 13. If line 14 is more than line 13, drink the difference.
16 If line 13 is more than 14, go buy three bottles of red wine and drink them all before proceeding to the next line. If required, attach form 8888 and take a shot of whiskey.

Considering I'm not drinking these days, I figured playing with water would just mean me being up all night with a full bladder. Someone should definitely try it out, though. There is a serious game hidden there, and who knows, maybe it will make the process easier.

It boggles my mind how anyone with anything more than a standard bank account fills these things out, let alone what tax lawyers and tax specialists do the first four months of any given year (and the other eight months, too, for that matter). In my mind they are essentially magicians. 

I ended up figuring it all out (I hope). But every year when the envelope gets put in the mailbox and it's a done deal I always feel the same way I feel when leaving the mechanic - like I just got ripped off big time by giving all my money to something I have no comprehension of, which leaves me feeling ignorant, stupid and quite simply put: screwed.

Happy April, fellow Americans! May your tax journey be as awkward and unsettling as mine!

Act I Scene III: Connect with the Serious

 Nothing is worth doing unless the consequences may be serious.

-George Bernard Shaw

At least for me, serious tasks need to be divided into baby tasks in order to make accomplishing them more realistically possible. To that end I've divided everything I am to accomplish into categories and then baby steps.

Tasks I'm working on will be shown in bold.
Tasks I've accomplished will be shown in strikethrough. 

I will of course have a hard copy where I can physically check off my accomplishments, because who doesn't love the satisfaction of marking a big fat "X" in a box you've been neglecting?

Spring Cleaning
Room by room, box up and then clean thoroughly each room in our old house:
the bathroom
the living room
the dining room
the kitchen
the bedroom
the bedroom closet
the office
the office closet
tippen's room
the storage unit
the deck
deep clean/defrost the fridge/freezer
deep clean the oven
deep clean the tub/shower
Room by room, clean and then unpack in an organized fashion at the new house:
the kitchen/dining area
the living room
the guest bedroom
the office
the main bathroom
the master bedroom
the master closet
the master bathroom
the loft
the garage
the unfinished room
the laundry room
the unfinished bathroom
the patio
wash the car
turn the soil in the garden

Organize
go through files and organize/refile (purchasing new folders/boxes as necessary)
find a place for old letters
find a place for teaching-related materials
start France binder
start birthday notecard calendar
find a place for mail/keys

Chores
come up with a chore chart for daily/weekly/monthly chores
make a grocery list chalkboard
make a weekly meal chart
make a laminated daily task chart for myself

Taxes, Bills & Paperwork
go to the library and get tax forms
file taxes
close old utility accounts
open new electricity account
sign up for green up with seattle city light
open new gas account
sign up for carbon balance with pse
open new water/sewer/garbage account
open new internet account
change address officially at the post office
figure out what paperwork needs to be done to extend remy's greencard

Random 
set up truck rental for moving
change garbage can size to micro-can
schedule an appointment to get napoleon fixed
get napoleon fixed
deflea the cats
schedule an appointment to fix the car
fix the car
buy a new bed
set up chicken brooder
come up with final chicken coop plans
sign the new lease

Future
honestly reflect and decide what I want for my future
come up with steps for how to accomplish my future
start plans for octopus! 2012
sign up and create account on ms website
personalize my webpage
contact possible teammates and encourage them to sign up
schedule a meeting to come up with fundraising ideas
start plans for France

Money
transfer money for the deposit for the new house
pay taxes
pay first and deposit for the new house
pay off debts
pay parking ticket
apply for credit card
start recording purchases
put aside 10% of each paycheck into a separate savings account for emergencies
research 401k options at pcc
donate to npr
contact starbucks about stock
check back with old landlords about deposit

Fears
make an honest list of my fears, even the small ones or things that make me uncomfortable
find a way to challenge each fear realistically

Serious Business

 To think of shadows is a serious thing.

-Victor Hugo

We all have things in life we dread doing, big or small. For me some of the worst are folding socks, calling people back when I know it's been waaaay too long, renewing the tabs for my car, and emptying the little filter thing in the drain that is always full of indescribable yuck.

There are daily tasks I avoid like the plague, as well. Namely flossing (slacking mucho since month one ended, by the way, but who knows but me?), shaving (let's be honest - I'm married, my husband is blind as a bat and here in Seattle short weather doesn't come around until late July at the earliest; I still have a few months where I can get by being hairy), and putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher. And some that somehow just slip by like watering plants (I'm sooo sorry, you poor dehydrated flora) and paying bills (once the letter gets opened & put in the pile, I lose all sense of urgency).

In an effort to get more organized and to persuade me to actually accomplish annoying tasks I decided to spend a month tackling the not-so-fun-but-necessary serious. This month has many facets, all of which I am dreading, but are key in alleviating stress and helping sort out priorities in my life.

It won't just be spring cleaning and paying taxes, although those will certainly have their place. I also plan to tackle goals for my future with a serious sit-down to figuring out what I want to do/be (from my original notes back in January: mommy? doctor? writer? cook? teacher? midwife? naturopath? photographer?) and figuring out what steps I need to take to get on my way to becoming/doing whatever it is I decide I want to try to be/do.

Another key element, possibly the most important and certainly the most dreaded, is a serious examination of my relationship with fear. I plan to take an honest look at my fears, from the tiniest most insignificant to the monumental, including things that might not be seen as fears but that make me uncomfortable. The next step is to find a way to challenge each and every one of them.

This month will probably not be the most fun month I've ever had, but I am in anxious in all senses of the word to get started. I am apprehensive, of course, but I am also excited to get over this hump because I know that overcoming these obstacles is huge in the grand scheme of things. What better way to connect with yourself than to challenge your biggest fears head on?

Act I Scene II Conclusion

Connecting with my mind seemed like a natural step after connecting with my body - the transition seemed natural and easy. The first few weeks I really felt like I was deepening my self-awareness, especially through meditation and reading the yogic texts.

The four cups exercise also brought my attention to the idea of intention. It changed my perspective on each and every action for the first few days. I really thought about how all of my decisions would affect each other, myself, those around me, and my state of mind.

This directly influenced my levels of stress and happiness. I could avoid virtually all stress by gauging how my reaction would alter my environment and my mental state. Conversely, approaching each day with the intent to make myself happy (or rather fulfilled, through filling my four cups, the achievement of which would result in elevated levels of happiness) directly influenced my actions as well. I went out of my way to find fulfilling activities, and this upped my happiness in a big way.

The reading of books and poems was mostly for pleasure, with my ultimate aim to open my mind intellectually, to inspire me with literature I wasn't yet acquainted with. Honestly, I didn't read all that I wanted to, and what I did read wasn't exactly what one might call intellectual. The journaling on paper was a total failure, although I did manage to post a few poems that touched me on this forum, and managed to post more often that I normally would.

All in all, the first half of the month was amazing. I could really feel my comprehension of myself deepening, and with it the knowledge that I barely know myself at all, and certainly don't know my limits (in all senses of the word). I would have like to have dug deeper still, had the chaos of life and family not derailed me for the last two weeks.

That being said, circumstances have led me to change the order of the next two months. We are moving at the end of March, meaning we will have to do deep cleaning (part of my intention for the Serious month) twice in the next month. We also need to complete our taxes before April 15, which was originally the start date of the Serious month, although I see it as falling into the serious category. That being said, I have decided to change the third month to Serious, and the fourth month will then come back to the self trilogy and conclude with Soul & Spirit.

On the eve of the start of the third month, I have mixed feelings. Cleaning and serious business are not my favorite things in the world, but there are certain tasks I have been putting off for months (or years even in some cases) that I will be very relieved to finally check off my list.

The Fertile Muck

There are the brightest apples on those trees
but until I, fabulist, have spoken
they do not know their significance
or what other legends are hung like garlands
on their black boughs twisting
like a rumour. The wind's noise is empty.

Nor are the winged insects better off
though they wear my crafty eyes
wherever they alight. Stay here, my love;
you will see how delicately they deposit
me on the leaves of elms
or fold me in the orient dust of summer.

And if in August joiners and bricklayers
are as thick as flies around us
building expensive bungalows for those
who do not need them, unless they release
me roaring from their moth-proofed cupboards
their buyers will have no joy, no ease.

I could extend their rooms for them without cost
and give them crazy sundials
to tell the time with, but I have noticed
how my irregular footprint horrifies them
evenings and Sunday afternoons:
they spray for hours to erase its shadow.

How to dominate reality? Love is one way;
imagination another. Sit here
beside me, sweet; take my hard hand in yours.
We'll mark the butterflies disappearing over the hedge
with tiny wristwatches on their wings:
our fingers touching the earth, like two Buddhas.


Poem printed without permission by Irving Layton (Canadian, b. 1912). This weekend celebrates the 100th anniversary of the poet's birth.

Chanson des Escargots Qui Vont à l'Enterrement

A l'enterrement d'une feuille morte
Deux escargots s'en vont
Ils ont la coquille noire
Du crêpe autour des cornes
Ils s'en vont dans le noir
Un très beau soir d'automne
Hélas quand ils arrivent
C'est déjà le printemps
Les feuilles qui étaient mortes
Sont toutes ressuscitées
Et les deux escargots
Sont très désappointés
Mais voilà le soleil
Le soleil qui leur dit
Prenez prenez la peine
La peine de vous asseoir
Prenez un verre de bière
Si le coeur vous en dit
Prenez si ça vous plaît
L'autocar pour Paris
Il partira ce soir
Vous verrez du pays
Mais ne prenez pas le deuil
C'est moi qui vous le dis
Ça noircit le blanc de l'oeil
Et puis ça enlaidit
Les histoires de cercueils
C'est triste et pas joli
Reprenez vos couleurs
Les couleurs de la vie
Alors toutes les bêtes
Les arbres et les plantes
Se mettent à chanter
A chanter à tue-tête
La vraie chanson vivante
La chanson de l'été
Et tout le monde de boire
Tout le monde de trinquer
C'est un très joli soir
Un joli soir d'été
Et les deux escargots
S'en retournent chez eux
Ils s'en vont très émus
Ils s'en vont très heureux
Comme ils ont beaucoup bu
Ils titubent un petit peu
Mais là-haut dans le ciel
La lune veille sur eux.

Poem copied without permission from Jacques PRÉVERT, Paroles (1945).

Chanson Dans le Sang

Il y a de grandes flaques de sang sur le monde
où s'en va-t-il tout ce sang répandu
Est-ce la terre qui le boit et qui se saoule
drôle de saoulographie alors
si sage... si monotone...
Non la terre ne se saoule pas
la terre ne tourne pas de travers
elle pousse régulièrement sa petite voiture ses quatre saisons
la pluie... la neige...
la grèle... le beau temps...
jamais elle n'est ivre
c'est à peine si elle se permet de temps en temps
un malheureux petit volcan
Elle tourne la terre
elle tourne avec ses arbres... ses jardins... ses maisons...
elle tourne avec ses grandes flaques de sang
et toutes les choses vivantes tournent avec elle et saignent...
Elle elle s'en fout
la terre
elle tourne et toutes les choses vivantes se mettent a hurler
elle s'en fout elle tourne
elle n’arrête pas de tourner
et le sang n’arrête pas de couler...
Où s'en va-t-il tout ce sang répandu
le sang des meurtres... le sang des guerres...
le sang de la misère...
et le sang des hommes torturés dans les prisons...
le sang des enfants torturés tranquillement par leur papa et leur maman...
et le sang des hommes qui saignent de la tête
dans les cabanons...
et le sang du couvreur
quand le couvreur glisse et tombe du toit
Et le sang qui arrive et qui coule à grand flôts
avec le nouveau-né... avec l'enfant-nouveau...
la mère qui crie... l'enfant pleure...
le sang coule... la terre tourne
la terre n’arrête pas de tourner
le sang n’arrête pas de couler
Où s'en va-t-il tout ce sang répandu
le sang des matraqués... des humiliés...
des suicidés... des fusillés... des condamnés...
et le sang de ceux qui meurent comme ça... par accident.
Dans la rue passe un vivant
avec tout son sang dedans
soudain le voilà mort
et tout son sang est dehors
et les autres vivants font disparaître le sang
ils emportent le corps
mais il est têtu le sang
et là où était le mort
beaucoup plus tard tout noir
un peu de sang s’étale encore...
sang coagulé
rouille de la vie rouille des corps
sang caillé comme le lait
comme le lait quand il tourne
quand il tourne comme la terre
comme la terre qui tourne
avec son lait... avec ses vaches...
avec ses vivants... avec ses morts...
la terre qui tourne avec ses arbres... ses vivants... ses maisons...
la terre qui tourne avec les mariages...
les enterrements
les coquillages...
les régiments...
la terre qui tourne et qui tourne et qui tourne
avec ses grands ruisseaux de sang.


Poem by Jacques Prévert, printed without permission. (Paroles, Librairie Gallimard.)

If I...

If I was to change this life I lead,
I'd be Johnny Tomato Seed.
'Cause I know what this country needs:
homegrown tomatoes in every yard you see.
-Guy Clark

Lament

Someone is dead.
Even the trees know it,
those poor old dancers who come on lewdly,
all pea-green scarfs and spine pole.
I think...
I think I could have stopped it,
if I'd been as firm as a nurse
or noticed the neck of the driver
as he cheated the crosstown lights;
or later in the evening,
if I'd held my napkin over my mouth.
I think I could...
if I'd been different, or wise, or calm,
I think I could have charmed the table,
the stained dish or the hand of the dealer.
But it's done.
It's all used up.
There's no doubt about the trees
spreading their thin feet into the dry grass.
A Canada goose rides up,
spread out like a gray suede shirt,
honking his nose into the March wind.
In the entryway a cat breathes calmly
into her watery blue fur.
The supper dishes are over and the sun
unaccustomed to anything else
goes all the way down.

Poem used without permission by Anne Sexton from All My Pretty Ones.

Yamas

Part of my intellectual journey this month is delving into yoga. Most of us here in the West associate the word yoga with a specific physical activity, but these exercises are in fact just one part of a much bigger picture. Yoga is mostly mental. According to Lectures on Yoga by Swami Rama, "the whole process of yoga is an ascent into the purity of that absolute perfection which is the original state of man" (p. 7). The goal is to become detached from our material connections to this world and to attain spiritual enlightenment, realizing our true potential as human beings. We can then use the understanding we gain from such moments of wholeness to bring meaning into our every day lives, as well as helping to enrich the lives of others by opening them up to the possibility of realizing their true potential.

There are many many steps in this process, but the very first deals with the five yamas, or restraints, which help us regulate our relationships to the material world. They are:

ahimsa, or non-violence
satya, or truthfulness
asteya, or non-stealing
brahmacharya, or abstinence from excessive sensual indulgence
and aparigraha, or non-possessiveness.

I have been trying to focus on this first step to enlightenment, and it is proving much more challenging than I had imagined. It is similar to the exercise where someone tells you "do not think of an elephant" and it's all you can do to keep the image of an elephant, or something big or grey or with large ears out of your mind.

I call to cancel a haircut appointment because I decide I don't want to spend $80 on a trim and while I would normally make up some lie about having to work or some other engagement I hear "satya satya satya" whispering in my head. I go to snag a cookie off the rack at work (which we all do almost every day) and I hear "asteya asteya asteya!" To make matters worse, I usually am not one to covet, but now that I'm focusing on non-possessiveness almost everyone I see has something I want - a hairstyle, boots, a baby, a bike, food. And I have been having some incredibly intense dreams that directly conflict with brahmacharya.

If this is a test, I am failing.

The only yama I seem to be having any success with is ahimsa. I abstain from eating animal products of any kind, so I avoid violence to animals; I naturally shy away from conflict; I abhor all physical violence. So I'm focusing on the positive and congratulating myself on a good job with yama number one, hoping the other four eventually fall into place. Which I'm sure they will.

One thing is certain, though: directing my attention to these five restraints makes me much more aware of my actions in general and the motives behind them. Much like the four cups exercise it zones in on intention, which helps connect me to everything I do. This in turn makes me feel connected to myself, others around me and the rest of the material world, which was the main goal of this whole project in the first place!

Have you ever thought about the five yamas, not necessarily in terms of yoga but in your own daily life? Which ones do you struggle with?

El mar

Un solo ser, pero no hay sangre.
Una sola caricia, muerte o rosa.
Viene el mar y reúne nuestras vidas
y solo ataca y se reparte y canta
en noche y día y hombre y criatura.
La esencia: fuego y frío: movimiento.

Poema de Pablo Neruda.

Music

Someone suggested that as part of connecting with mind and intellect I spend some time focusing on music. I thought this was a great idea and immediately started by directing my attention to what type of music I currently listen to, the lyrics, the mood it sets and how it generally makes me feel. I quickly began to realize that while music certainly opens my mind, often it does much more than that. I can feel it burying itself deep in my chest, vibrating the very core of my being. Touching, coaxing, molding my soul. Perhaps this would have been a more fitting addition to next month's project, but I am currently using it to enhance my experience of poetry.

The list must be longer, but right now this is what I can think of when I think of music that resonates deep within me, music that leaves me changed every time I hear it. I'll keep adding as I rediscover artists and songs that move me.

Cosmic Love - Florence + the Machine
Undo - Bjork
All is Full of Love - Bjork

What music touches your soul?

Mockingjay

A good book has no ending. - R.D. Cummings

***SPOILER DISCLAIMER: This post discusses details of end of The Hunger Games series.***

Well, I've officially finished my second book for the week, and I honestly wish I hadn't. I was weary of reading the last thirty pages because I knew no matter how the book ended I wouldn't be satisfied, but I had no idea the level of disappointment I would be faced with. I thought the execution of Snow would be anticlimactic and that I would be frustrated with whatever choice she made concerning her love interests, but to my surprise there was nothing much to be frustrated with. Which makes me even more irate!

How can someone who created such captivating characters and drew us into such intricate sequences of action, who invented this future world of a desensitized society discovering the heat of passion, whether for the battle field or for love or for freedom, just cut the story short with such a sorry excuse for an ending? Especially the ending of the love saga?

While the beginning of the third book moved rather slowly, this was expected. In all three books it takes a few chapters to pick up, and sometimes they are excruciatingly hard to get through do to horribly written dialogue or poor syntax. Whenever there is a lack of action it is generally slow going in my opinion. But for the most part I enjoyed where the story was going. I was interested and engaged. I was moved by the fight and I was attached to many of the central characters. And then it started falling apart.

Killing off Finnick was the first mistake, or at least killing him off in such a quick, impersonal manner. He had become integral to the story, as the only one who really understood Katniss's pain, especially with the whole Peeta ordeal. As lectors we had come to love Finnick, especially in his love of Annie, and the way his death was orchestrated did not give us enough time to really understand, let alone mourn. It seemed like an attempt to add depth to the plot, to bring a level of seriousness to the story without having to kill off either Peeta or Gale. Her pathetic recompense was to briefly mention in the epilogue that Annie later gave birth to his child, even though there was no mention of this anywhere else in the story. Maybe if we had known of the pregnancy earlier his death would have seemed more tragic and evoked something nearer to the reaction his character deserved.

The second mistake was Prim's death and the subsequent hazy piecing together of what happened. It is obvious that Primrose Everdeen was the true symbol of the revolution. It was her name being chosen for the reaping in book one that initiated Katniss's fierce fight for freedom. It was her youth, a symbol of the children of the outlying districts and the generations to come that would suffer under the oppressive hand of the Capitol that drove the districts to revolt. It was her remaining alive that carried Katniss through every sequence of the series. Snow's use of roses throughout the books was no coincidence. So what is the point of killing her off? Is it supposed to symbolize that the revolution was dead? That it had failed? Surely they could have killed off some other character to help Katniss see that her own revolutionary forces could have staged the attacks. It's not as if she listened or wholeheartedly believed anything the leaders said or did anyway.

But let's suppose Prim's death stays in the story in this fashion. The following sequence of Katniss going through a haze and having everything explained to her is confusing and frustrating within a story that at one time carried such intense sequences of action. Yet nothing compares to the cop-out that is the consequences of Coin's execution. We all fear the repercussions of her actions, even if it may have been justified, but then we quickly lose interest when excruciating hours of waiting for her punishment become days and the days turn into months. Our boredom turns to confusion and disbelief when she is simply liberated, sent home without the slightest reprimand. It does not feel like the end of a revolution. It feels like Suzanne Collins has a deadline for her third book and is running out of ideas, running out of ways to tie together all the ends she has left loose.

It is more than just a handful of loose ends we are left with. Why does Peeta suffer from such crippling hallucinations from the hijacking if he is to recover fully with no explanation later on? Why does Katniss's mother disappear from the picture? Why does interest in Haymitch dissipate after we are taken back to the Victor's Village? Why is Gale so far away, and why do we not get the pleasure of at least one more painful encounter with them? Has her love for him honestly faded so quickly? How is it possible that the saga that was the love triangle is so clearly sidestepped? Katniss just decides to settle for Peeta? There is no battle to make the right choice? No struggle? Why kill off other important characters so mercilessly, but keep both Gale and Peeta alive for such an undeserving and anticlimactic ending? And why in the world spend a few sentences bringing Katniss and Peeta's children into a world that clearly hasn't improved much since her own childhood? It felt like a cheap attempt at the last chapter of the Harry Potter series, which quite frankly made me more sad than anything else.

Whatever passion I may have felt for this series throughout the second and beginning of the third book were replaced with revulsion and regret. If only this book had spent more time in the mind of its creator before being hastily put in ink. If only an editor had taken the necessary effort to fix the broken grammar and patch the holes. If only Collins had had the time or courage to finish the love story she started, with weapons or with words. If only.

I am honestly considering writing an alternative ending myself, but it would most likely necessitate so many changes in the rest of the text that I would basically be rewriting the whole series. If I am willing to put that much time and effort into creating a memorable story, my energy would be better spent working on something of my own. But that is a project for another month.

For now I cannot do much more than wallow in my disappointment. And possibly try to return these awful books to the bookstore.

Catching Fire

Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. - P.J. O'Rourke

I've officially finished the first book for this week (and month). I'm slightly embarrassed (although I'm unsure why) to announce that the book I'm referring to is the second book of the Hunger Games series by Suzanne Collins, Catching Fire. Holy moses. How are these books for children?

Some coworkers and I decided to start an at-work bookclub. We read the same book and then have awesome discussions during downtime. It's a pretty sweet idea, but so far we haven't been able to get too into it because someone hadn't read the books yet (me!). 

I'm already making progress on the third and final book of the series, Mockingjay, and I'm excited to see what crazy discussions come up in the next week.

Have you ever read a book (or series) you couldn't put down, even (or especially) if it made you slightly embarrassed to admit you loved it? (We already know you loved Twilight; tell me about something else!)

Four Cups

While asking for suggestions for this month one of my favorite people on the planet, who encourages intellectual growth every time I am around her, recommended something she learned from one of her professors. He calls it the Four Cups Exercise.

Imagine you have four empty cups at the beginning of each day. These cups are labeled. One says "WORTH". One says "FREEDOM". One says "FUN". And one says "BELONGING". The idea is simple. At the beginning of each day, you remember the cups and attempt to fill them through deliberate actions. Try to accomplish something that is within the context of each idea.

So maybe for fun you'll cook or read or dance around your living room in your pajamas listening to Florence + the Machine. And maybe for worth you'll finish a project, or start a project, or compliment yourself for a job well done. The possibilities are endless.

I have only been attempting this for three days and already I feel a little more fulfilled. It's really easy at the end of the day to look back over everything I've done and say "Okay, I ran seven miles, that could take care of worth," but it is so much more rewarding each morning to really approach the coming day with intention. How can I feel like I belong? What would truly make me feel free? An added benefit is that by paying such close attention to my intentions, even before I begin to tackle them, I feel much more connected to my actions and to myself on the whole. It's such a simple activity, childish almost, but the resulting feeling of fulfillment is intoxicating. Every time I fill a cup I feel a little more connected. And wasn't that the whole purpose of this project in the first place?

So... what are you filling your cups with?

Bookworm

You can't get a cup of tea big enough or a book long enough to suit me. -C. S. Lewis

Many of you have offered up suggestions of what books to crack open this month on my journey into the mind. Here they are. I will try to tackle them all, but no promises.

Shogun by James Clavell
Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett
World Without End by Ken Follet
The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins
Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins
Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins
Hyperion by Dan Simmons
The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf
Neverwhere by Neal Gaiman
Stardust by Neal Gaiman
American Gods by Neal Gaiman
Enders Game by Orson Scott Card
Speakers of the Dead by Orson Scott Card
The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress by Robert Heinlein
Any book by Simon Schama
The Wild Wood by Charles de Lint

Let me know of any other suggestions! Other forms of media are welcome, too - essays, short stories, films, music. Thanks for your help!

WE ARE MADE OF WATER

I have carried your pain   in metal buckets and
I still go for water   every so often
and that water   is so cold and hard
that it stings my hands,   its weight makes me feel
my arms will break   at the shoulders and yet
I go to that well   and drink from it   because
I am, as you,      made of water


The poem of the day is by Marilyn Dumont from A Really Good Brown Girl.
This poem has been used without permission, but I highly highly recommend that everyone check out her work, especially the rest of this book of poems. She has a way of stirring emotions with words and her work is quite simply remarkable.

Act I Scene II: Connect with Mind & Intellect

 

It's day one of the second month of project reconnect and I'm excited to work on mentally challenging goals instead of physically exhausting ones.

The things I'd like to work on are, fittingly, less set in stone than the habits I wanted to address in the first month of connecting. I'm still not exactly sure what a deeper connection to my mind will entail, so my goals will most likely adapt as the month progresses. If any of you have any ideas or suggestions, ways to help me work on getting closer to the self or getting in tune with my intellect, please feel free to leave your comments!

So far the things I would like to work on consist of:

• Meditating twice daily
• Journaling daily
• Reading one poem per day (including an author I've never heard of at least once a week)
• Giving myself three compliments each day
• Reading two books per week
• Reading The Synthesis of Yoga
• Reading Lectures on Yoga
• Keeping track of my levels of stress and happiness

Beyond that I am unsure. Where should I get the poems from? How should I choose which books to read? How can I accurately assess my stress levels? These are all things I will figure out along the way, but as always, suggestions are welcome!

Reconnecting with Act I Scene I

It is the eve of my transition from body to mind, and I have come to terms with the fact that I am awful at staying up to date. This is my biggest goal for the entire year. To communicate here at least once a day. Whether just a quote or picture or a short novel, I want to use this medium to capture what goes on daily in order to help me process the big picture later on.

This first month flew by and I can hardly believe it is the last day. The first week or two was me adjusting and trying to figure out how to fit it all in, the third week was about me knocking almost everything off my list & feeling incredibly proud, and the last week was about me being so busy I neglected to really keep track of anything on a single day which made me feel guilty and like a failure. There's a Turkish proverb I like that advises "no matter how far you have gone down a wrong road, turn back." I usually have a hard time admitting I've gone off track which means it's a long time before I'll even consider turning around. Well, I'm back on my path and I'm going to try my hardest not to stray again. To stay focused. No promises or guarantee I'll succeed, but hey, that's what this is all about. Trying to learn from my mistakes, to connect with them and move forward in the present.

Here's what I found most important regarding what I learned about my body, image and habits this first month:

• I need to meditate. Even if it's just five minutes when I wake up and five minutes before bed. My day feels less stressful and I am more capable of handling stressful situations when I begin and end my day in this way, maybe because it helps me pause and breathe when confronted by something unpleasant where I would usually tense up and react. Even my husband felt a difference in my attitude the days I didn't meditate in the morning, which was unbeknownst to him. This is something I want to make a priority.
• Doing yoga and training for a marathon every day is too much for me. It's exhausting. I wake up resenting all the time I'll spend on these tasks and often waste the morning avoiding doing them, meaning I enjoy them much less. Ideally I'd like to do one or the other each day, though I do want to stretch every day.
• I can see a visible difference in my complexion when I meditate, drink adequate water and practice my skin care routine (washing with calendula infusion and spraying with rose water). The skin is the largest organ, an outer reflection of what's going on inside. I'd like both to be calm and clear, and would like this to be a priority, as well. 
• Having a table (we finally bought a big oak dining room table and eight chairs!!!) changes everything. It changes the dynamic of eating. I am less tempted to read or look at the computer while eating, and much much more likely to eat at the same time as my husband, which benefits us both.
• I can feel a huge difference in energy when I wake up earlier, start the day with juice and take my vitamins.
• I need to focus on preparing hearty meals and eating a good lunch on the days I work.
• While enjoy getting to know my body, paying attention to too much detail stresses me out and is counter productive.
• I am horrible of keeping track of what I eat.
• I am absolutely awful at keeping this forum updated.
• I am not ready to complete the 40 days of yoga.
• With work the way it is, I will never go to bed at a decent hour.
• I enjoyed taking more care of my appearance. It made me feel more confident, sexy, happy and helped keep my mood up, even the things I was most nervous about (wearing lipstick more often, for example). 
• The little things add up, and I can be proud of them just as much as the big ones (flossing, taking my vitamins, eating breakfast).

I am extremely proud of myself for starting this project, and excited to see where it leads me. I know I can push myself more and am dedicated to stay committed. I don't know if I feel more connected to my body, but I feel more aware of my habits and aware of my actions, which inspires me daily to take better care of myself.

Act I Scene I: Connect with Body & Image

It's day one of reconnect! Even though the first month is mostly getting into good habits, I am still incredibly excited! I have a great feeling about 2012 and the thick blanket of snow this morning was pretty symbolic. A perfect white canvas for the first day of my project!

General health goals to be completed during month one:

• Find a naturopathic physician and schedule a check-up
• Find a dentist and get my teeth cleaned
• Find a lady doctor and take care of annual exams
• Get on a (relatively) normal sleeping pattern
• Wake up earlier
• Only sleep in bed (no reading, no lounging, no writing in journals)
• Eat at the table with no distractions (no reading, no drawing, no internet)
• Get a haircut
• Go through my closet, get rid of clothes I never wear and find what items I need/want
• Join a gym or yoga center
• Contact Troy & schedule another Phoenix Rising Yoga session
• Complete 40 days to Personal Revolution (a yoga program by Baron Baptiste) 
• Continue running and training for marathon
• No alcohol/caffeine/tobacco/medication/drugs (prescription or otherwise)
• Go to bed earlier

Weekly goals to be completed during month one:

• Try one new hairstyle/week
• Wear lipstick once/week
• Buy one new item of clothing/week

Daily goals to be completed during month one:

• Take my temperature
• Start the day with meditation
• Start the morning with juice
• Take my vitamins
• Complete a nutrition log
• Use herbs/teas daily
• Drink enough water (my body weight divided by two in ounces, plus an extra glass for every half hour of physical activity)
• Eat breakfast
• Eat meals at regular times
• 30 minutes of activity
• 30 minutes outside
• Running
• Stretching
• Floss
• Skin care
• End the day with meditation

Me, Myself & I

Act One is all about me.

The idea is that if I want to reconnect with the outside world, I need to first connect with myself.

I will start with the most basic, but one of the most vital elements: my body. Especially after a recent serious back injury (which I am still recovering from) I am very aware of the role of physical health in the larger scheme of general well-being. I plan on working on building good habits and taking care of body/health related tasks. A healthy body means a clear mind. Which leads to...

The second month will focus on cultivating my mind and intellect. I will work on emotions and reactions and how to better control my relationship with stress. I will delve into cultural awareness, meditation and reflection, literature and poetry, as well as any other general learned topic I see fit.

During the third month I will discuss things related to the soul and spirit. I will search for what others define as sacred and try to define some ritual in my own life. It is always good to have something to believe in.

The last month of this act will deal with all that is serious in life. The least fun month of the entire project, I will tackle organization, work, chores, money, fears and my future. I already have an overwhelming sense of dread just thinking about this theme, but some small part of me is convinced that this is part of the grunt work necessary for enlightenment further down the road.

As they say, in order to truly help others you must first help yourself. Act one is about just that. I long to strengthen my connections to the outside world, but I first must become truly acquainted with myself.

And nothing but.

Delving into a personal discussion on what aspects of my life I would like to improve led to some serious brainstorming sessions. Throughout my frantic listing and note-taking and constant additions (often scribbled illegibly on bed-side tables late into the night) there were a few moral truths that seemed to arise again and again. These maxims often seemed vital to a certain theme, and came up often enough for me to jot them down.

And so I present to you my list of Fundamental Truths. I aim to keep these in mind with each of my tasks, daily or otherwise, and it is my hope that they will serve me well, especially in times of need and frustration.

Fundamental Truths

Trust your feet.

Just do it.

Remember to breathe.

There's always a solution.

In a world where you can be anything, be yourself.

Write it out.

Let it go.

Courage is being scared, but doing it anyway.

Be present.

Give it/them/yourself a chance. (A second chance. A third chance.)

Listen to your body.

Make tea, not war.

Don't compare yourself to others.

All you need is love.

Now is all there is.

What about you? Are there any daily principles that you use as a moral compass? What are your fundamental truths?

What is the what?

When you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project, all your thoughts break their bonds: Your mind transcends limitations, your consciousness expands in every direction, and you find yourself in a new, great, and wonderful world. Dormant forces, faculties and talents become alive, and you discover yourself to be a greater person by far than you ever dreamed yourself to be.

- पतञ्जलि (Patañjali)

The general idea of this project is to work on rebuilding, strengthening or creating new connections within many fundamental aspects of my life. These can be broken roughly into three parts: me, you and everything else. Solely for reasons of simplicity I have chosen a year as the time frame for this project, and thus each part is dedicated four months in the spotlight. Each month will be assigned a specific theme (for example, connections with the body) and within that theme I will assign myself specific tasks (for example, drink enough water) with the ultimate goal being that I will feel more connected to the theme at the end of the month.


Some specific tasks will seem simple or mundane (floss) and others grandiose or abstract (find what is sacred). Some months will have many boxes to check, others seemingly little to grade. 


I am reserving the right to change any aspect of this project at any time for any reason. I often make quite lofty challenges for myself and then fail to complete them out of fear of failure. If I find a task too demanding, I will ask myself why I am struggling and adapt accordingly, keeping in mind that it is not the end of this enterprise that is the most important, but what happens along the way. If I make any changes I may or may not make it known to the public, but my general goal is to write every day of my trials and tribulations. I believe that you, as well, are an active part of my reconnection.

I am not so good with sticking to dates, so each "month" of the project will start on the 15th of said month and continue on until the 14th of the next month. That way I get to mull things over for what seems like two months (who cannot say that February feels much different than January and September from August?) when really it is only one. For daily tasks it is assumed any given day begins upon waking, not necessarily at midnight. For weekly tasks, I am considering Sunday the first day of the week, thus the task should try to be completed by bedtime the following Saturday night.


And so, as of 9 o'clock on the eve of day one, here are the monthly themes for reconnect:

Act One: Me

Month One : January 15 - February 14

Connect with Body/Image

Month Two: February 15 - March 14

Connect with Mind/Intellect

Month Three: March 15 - April 14

Connect with Soul/Spirit

Month Four: April 15 - May 14

Connect with Serious

Act Two: You

Month Five: May 15 - June 14

Connect with Love

Month Six: June 15 - July 14

Connect with Family/Friends

Month Seven: July 15 - August 14

Connect with Community

Month Eight: August 15 - September 14

Connect with Play

Act Three: Everything Else

Month Nine: September 15 - October 14

Connect with Passions/Desires

Month Ten: October 15 - November 14

Connect with Earth/Nature

Month Eleven: November 15 - December 14

Connect with Life

Month Twelve: December 15 - January 14

Reflect and Connect

Details within each specific act and theme will be elaborated upon and discussed during the corresponding month.

Why & wherefore?

I didn't always feel disconnected. There was a time when I felt very connected to everything around me. When I felt the communal pulse of my city. When I knew anecdotes about my neighbors. When I found beauty easily in the ugly and mundane. I saw the interconnectedness of the world as a crazy twisted web, and every time I made a new connection another strand stretched out across the universe to bridge the gap between us. At times strands became twisted or knotted or wore thin with constant use, but very rarely was a strand broken or lost.

And then I hit my head. Hard.

It was the beginning of the last quarter of my senior year in college. I was working on my thesis for my B.A. in History and finishing up classes for my B.A. in French. I had a large group of incredible friends, I had a loving and supportive family and I had a passion for getting myself into crazy adventures. But then I had a very bad week that April involving three concussions. Suddenly everything was hazy.

I woke up in Taiwan.

It was sometime in July. I had somehow graduated (and successfully written a thesis). I had taken a job teaching English in Asia. I had left my friends & family (including my roommate, who I left without saying goodbye or really moving much out of our apartment) and trotted across the Pacific to the other side of the globe to a place where I had no knowledge of the language or culture. While I remember a very distinct morning when I suddenly felt like I had actually woken up, as opposed to the feeling of waking yet still dreaming I had become accustomed to, I told no one of my realization. I wasn't sure exactly how I had gotten to Taiwan but I was having fun. I went with the flow.

Fast forward to the following autumn. I had taken a job teaching English in France. I had returned to the United States with only enough time to get my visa and then had fluttered away yet again, this time across the Atlantic. I was living in a very small town in central France and was slowly coming to the realization that I had absolutely no idea who I was. I couldn't remember much of my past, couldn't for the life of me figure out what I had ever wanted to do with my future and struggled daily with the now. I would wake up, open my closet and stare at the clothes as if they, too, were foreign. "This can't be what I actually wear, can it?" I would ask myself. I took to getting dressed based on old pictures I had brought with me. I did activities friends and family told me I had once enjoyed. I felt very very lost and very much alone.

Something happened in me then, a shutting off of sorts. I had lost all the connections in the haze and perhaps as a defense mechanism I shut off all possibility of forming connections in the future. I retracted deep into myself as I desperately searched for something recognizable, some tiny fragment to remind me who I was.

Much time has passed since then and I have tried to open up. I have made great progress in some respects. I no longer feel lost or alone (thanks in large part to the kindest person I have ever met - my best friend and husband). Yet there have been many steps backward for so few steps forward, often "caused" by some situation or event. What I have realized is that my reactions to events have changed so much that I tend to make myself out as the victim wheras before I would dance around the negativity until it had passed or was made into something positive. A simple occurrence can not cause me to be unhappy. I have to choose to react with that specific emotion. I want that adversity again. Voltaire once wrote "the most courageous decision one makes each day is to be in a good mood." I am choosing good moods these days.

But happiness is harder when you've cut yourself off. We've since moved back to the States, but instead of re-embracing life back home I've gone into severe and prolonged culture shock for the better part of a year. I have let the least important parts of life (a soul-less job, for example) get in the way of the most important, keeping myself busy to keep life at a distance.

Something needed to change. And so this project came into being. What was the catalyst? I myself don't know. Maybe it was seeing family and friends over the holidays. Maybe in was recovering from a serious back injury. Maybe it's the prospect of a new year and all the possibility a fresh calendar brings. Maybe it was simply a matter of being ready. Either way, I am hoping that this year of dedication will allow me to reconnect. With myself, with those that surround me and with life in general.

I don't expect it to be easy. I don't expect it to be perfect. I don't expect to reweave all the strands that were lost long ago. But my hope is that in making an effort to branch out once again I will find some semblance of wholeness, stability and peace that I can hold on to.

Follow me, join me or just browse. Wherever you find yourself reading this, I hope this finds you well.

(Quote: Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, Chapter XII.)