Act I Scene II Conclusion

Connecting with my mind seemed like a natural step after connecting with my body - the transition seemed natural and easy. The first few weeks I really felt like I was deepening my self-awareness, especially through meditation and reading the yogic texts.

The four cups exercise also brought my attention to the idea of intention. It changed my perspective on each and every action for the first few days. I really thought about how all of my decisions would affect each other, myself, those around me, and my state of mind.

This directly influenced my levels of stress and happiness. I could avoid virtually all stress by gauging how my reaction would alter my environment and my mental state. Conversely, approaching each day with the intent to make myself happy (or rather fulfilled, through filling my four cups, the achievement of which would result in elevated levels of happiness) directly influenced my actions as well. I went out of my way to find fulfilling activities, and this upped my happiness in a big way.

The reading of books and poems was mostly for pleasure, with my ultimate aim to open my mind intellectually, to inspire me with literature I wasn't yet acquainted with. Honestly, I didn't read all that I wanted to, and what I did read wasn't exactly what one might call intellectual. The journaling on paper was a total failure, although I did manage to post a few poems that touched me on this forum, and managed to post more often that I normally would.

All in all, the first half of the month was amazing. I could really feel my comprehension of myself deepening, and with it the knowledge that I barely know myself at all, and certainly don't know my limits (in all senses of the word). I would have like to have dug deeper still, had the chaos of life and family not derailed me for the last two weeks.

That being said, circumstances have led me to change the order of the next two months. We are moving at the end of March, meaning we will have to do deep cleaning (part of my intention for the Serious month) twice in the next month. We also need to complete our taxes before April 15, which was originally the start date of the Serious month, although I see it as falling into the serious category. That being said, I have decided to change the third month to Serious, and the fourth month will then come back to the self trilogy and conclude with Soul & Spirit.

On the eve of the start of the third month, I have mixed feelings. Cleaning and serious business are not my favorite things in the world, but there are certain tasks I have been putting off for months (or years even in some cases) that I will be very relieved to finally check off my list.

Act I Scene I: Connect with Body & Image

It's day one of reconnect! Even though the first month is mostly getting into good habits, I am still incredibly excited! I have a great feeling about 2012 and the thick blanket of snow this morning was pretty symbolic. A perfect white canvas for the first day of my project!

General health goals to be completed during month one:

• Find a naturopathic physician and schedule a check-up
• Find a dentist and get my teeth cleaned
• Find a lady doctor and take care of annual exams
• Get on a (relatively) normal sleeping pattern
• Wake up earlier
• Only sleep in bed (no reading, no lounging, no writing in journals)
• Eat at the table with no distractions (no reading, no drawing, no internet)
• Get a haircut
• Go through my closet, get rid of clothes I never wear and find what items I need/want
• Join a gym or yoga center
• Contact Troy & schedule another Phoenix Rising Yoga session
• Complete 40 days to Personal Revolution (a yoga program by Baron Baptiste) 
• Continue running and training for marathon
• No alcohol/caffeine/tobacco/medication/drugs (prescription or otherwise)
• Go to bed earlier

Weekly goals to be completed during month one:

• Try one new hairstyle/week
• Wear lipstick once/week
• Buy one new item of clothing/week

Daily goals to be completed during month one:

• Take my temperature
• Start the day with meditation
• Start the morning with juice
• Take my vitamins
• Complete a nutrition log
• Use herbs/teas daily
• Drink enough water (my body weight divided by two in ounces, plus an extra glass for every half hour of physical activity)
• Eat breakfast
• Eat meals at regular times
• 30 minutes of activity
• 30 minutes outside
• Running
• Stretching
• Floss
• Skin care
• End the day with meditation

Me, Myself & I

Act One is all about me.

The idea is that if I want to reconnect with the outside world, I need to first connect with myself.

I will start with the most basic, but one of the most vital elements: my body. Especially after a recent serious back injury (which I am still recovering from) I am very aware of the role of physical health in the larger scheme of general well-being. I plan on working on building good habits and taking care of body/health related tasks. A healthy body means a clear mind. Which leads to...

The second month will focus on cultivating my mind and intellect. I will work on emotions and reactions and how to better control my relationship with stress. I will delve into cultural awareness, meditation and reflection, literature and poetry, as well as any other general learned topic I see fit.

During the third month I will discuss things related to the soul and spirit. I will search for what others define as sacred and try to define some ritual in my own life. It is always good to have something to believe in.

The last month of this act will deal with all that is serious in life. The least fun month of the entire project, I will tackle organization, work, chores, money, fears and my future. I already have an overwhelming sense of dread just thinking about this theme, but some small part of me is convinced that this is part of the grunt work necessary for enlightenment further down the road.

As they say, in order to truly help others you must first help yourself. Act one is about just that. I long to strengthen my connections to the outside world, but I first must become truly acquainted with myself.

What is the what?

When you are inspired by some great purpose, some extraordinary project, all your thoughts break their bonds: Your mind transcends limitations, your consciousness expands in every direction, and you find yourself in a new, great, and wonderful world. Dormant forces, faculties and talents become alive, and you discover yourself to be a greater person by far than you ever dreamed yourself to be.

- पतञ्जलि (Patañjali)

The general idea of this project is to work on rebuilding, strengthening or creating new connections within many fundamental aspects of my life. These can be broken roughly into three parts: me, you and everything else. Solely for reasons of simplicity I have chosen a year as the time frame for this project, and thus each part is dedicated four months in the spotlight. Each month will be assigned a specific theme (for example, connections with the body) and within that theme I will assign myself specific tasks (for example, drink enough water) with the ultimate goal being that I will feel more connected to the theme at the end of the month.


Some specific tasks will seem simple or mundane (floss) and others grandiose or abstract (find what is sacred). Some months will have many boxes to check, others seemingly little to grade. 


I am reserving the right to change any aspect of this project at any time for any reason. I often make quite lofty challenges for myself and then fail to complete them out of fear of failure. If I find a task too demanding, I will ask myself why I am struggling and adapt accordingly, keeping in mind that it is not the end of this enterprise that is the most important, but what happens along the way. If I make any changes I may or may not make it known to the public, but my general goal is to write every day of my trials and tribulations. I believe that you, as well, are an active part of my reconnection.

I am not so good with sticking to dates, so each "month" of the project will start on the 15th of said month and continue on until the 14th of the next month. That way I get to mull things over for what seems like two months (who cannot say that February feels much different than January and September from August?) when really it is only one. For daily tasks it is assumed any given day begins upon waking, not necessarily at midnight. For weekly tasks, I am considering Sunday the first day of the week, thus the task should try to be completed by bedtime the following Saturday night.


And so, as of 9 o'clock on the eve of day one, here are the monthly themes for reconnect:

Act One: Me

Month One : January 15 - February 14

Connect with Body/Image

Month Two: February 15 - March 14

Connect with Mind/Intellect

Month Three: March 15 - April 14

Connect with Soul/Spirit

Month Four: April 15 - May 14

Connect with Serious

Act Two: You

Month Five: May 15 - June 14

Connect with Love

Month Six: June 15 - July 14

Connect with Family/Friends

Month Seven: July 15 - August 14

Connect with Community

Month Eight: August 15 - September 14

Connect with Play

Act Three: Everything Else

Month Nine: September 15 - October 14

Connect with Passions/Desires

Month Ten: October 15 - November 14

Connect with Earth/Nature

Month Eleven: November 15 - December 14

Connect with Life

Month Twelve: December 15 - January 14

Reflect and Connect

Details within each specific act and theme will be elaborated upon and discussed during the corresponding month.

Why & wherefore?

I didn't always feel disconnected. There was a time when I felt very connected to everything around me. When I felt the communal pulse of my city. When I knew anecdotes about my neighbors. When I found beauty easily in the ugly and mundane. I saw the interconnectedness of the world as a crazy twisted web, and every time I made a new connection another strand stretched out across the universe to bridge the gap between us. At times strands became twisted or knotted or wore thin with constant use, but very rarely was a strand broken or lost.

And then I hit my head. Hard.

It was the beginning of the last quarter of my senior year in college. I was working on my thesis for my B.A. in History and finishing up classes for my B.A. in French. I had a large group of incredible friends, I had a loving and supportive family and I had a passion for getting myself into crazy adventures. But then I had a very bad week that April involving three concussions. Suddenly everything was hazy.

I woke up in Taiwan.

It was sometime in July. I had somehow graduated (and successfully written a thesis). I had taken a job teaching English in Asia. I had left my friends & family (including my roommate, who I left without saying goodbye or really moving much out of our apartment) and trotted across the Pacific to the other side of the globe to a place where I had no knowledge of the language or culture. While I remember a very distinct morning when I suddenly felt like I had actually woken up, as opposed to the feeling of waking yet still dreaming I had become accustomed to, I told no one of my realization. I wasn't sure exactly how I had gotten to Taiwan but I was having fun. I went with the flow.

Fast forward to the following autumn. I had taken a job teaching English in France. I had returned to the United States with only enough time to get my visa and then had fluttered away yet again, this time across the Atlantic. I was living in a very small town in central France and was slowly coming to the realization that I had absolutely no idea who I was. I couldn't remember much of my past, couldn't for the life of me figure out what I had ever wanted to do with my future and struggled daily with the now. I would wake up, open my closet and stare at the clothes as if they, too, were foreign. "This can't be what I actually wear, can it?" I would ask myself. I took to getting dressed based on old pictures I had brought with me. I did activities friends and family told me I had once enjoyed. I felt very very lost and very much alone.

Something happened in me then, a shutting off of sorts. I had lost all the connections in the haze and perhaps as a defense mechanism I shut off all possibility of forming connections in the future. I retracted deep into myself as I desperately searched for something recognizable, some tiny fragment to remind me who I was.

Much time has passed since then and I have tried to open up. I have made great progress in some respects. I no longer feel lost or alone (thanks in large part to the kindest person I have ever met - my best friend and husband). Yet there have been many steps backward for so few steps forward, often "caused" by some situation or event. What I have realized is that my reactions to events have changed so much that I tend to make myself out as the victim wheras before I would dance around the negativity until it had passed or was made into something positive. A simple occurrence can not cause me to be unhappy. I have to choose to react with that specific emotion. I want that adversity again. Voltaire once wrote "the most courageous decision one makes each day is to be in a good mood." I am choosing good moods these days.

But happiness is harder when you've cut yourself off. We've since moved back to the States, but instead of re-embracing life back home I've gone into severe and prolonged culture shock for the better part of a year. I have let the least important parts of life (a soul-less job, for example) get in the way of the most important, keeping myself busy to keep life at a distance.

Something needed to change. And so this project came into being. What was the catalyst? I myself don't know. Maybe it was seeing family and friends over the holidays. Maybe in was recovering from a serious back injury. Maybe it's the prospect of a new year and all the possibility a fresh calendar brings. Maybe it was simply a matter of being ready. Either way, I am hoping that this year of dedication will allow me to reconnect. With myself, with those that surround me and with life in general.

I don't expect it to be easy. I don't expect it to be perfect. I don't expect to reweave all the strands that were lost long ago. But my hope is that in making an effort to branch out once again I will find some semblance of wholeness, stability and peace that I can hold on to.

Follow me, join me or just browse. Wherever you find yourself reading this, I hope this finds you well.

(Quote: Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, Chapter XII.)