Lament

Someone is dead.
Even the trees know it,
those poor old dancers who come on lewdly,
all pea-green scarfs and spine pole.
I think...
I think I could have stopped it,
if I'd been as firm as a nurse
or noticed the neck of the driver
as he cheated the crosstown lights;
or later in the evening,
if I'd held my napkin over my mouth.
I think I could...
if I'd been different, or wise, or calm,
I think I could have charmed the table,
the stained dish or the hand of the dealer.
But it's done.
It's all used up.
There's no doubt about the trees
spreading their thin feet into the dry grass.
A Canada goose rides up,
spread out like a gray suede shirt,
honking his nose into the March wind.
In the entryway a cat breathes calmly
into her watery blue fur.
The supper dishes are over and the sun
unaccustomed to anything else
goes all the way down.

Poem used without permission by Anne Sexton from All My Pretty Ones.

Yamas

Part of my intellectual journey this month is delving into yoga. Most of us here in the West associate the word yoga with a specific physical activity, but these exercises are in fact just one part of a much bigger picture. Yoga is mostly mental. According to Lectures on Yoga by Swami Rama, "the whole process of yoga is an ascent into the purity of that absolute perfection which is the original state of man" (p. 7). The goal is to become detached from our material connections to this world and to attain spiritual enlightenment, realizing our true potential as human beings. We can then use the understanding we gain from such moments of wholeness to bring meaning into our every day lives, as well as helping to enrich the lives of others by opening them up to the possibility of realizing their true potential.

There are many many steps in this process, but the very first deals with the five yamas, or restraints, which help us regulate our relationships to the material world. They are:

ahimsa, or non-violence
satya, or truthfulness
asteya, or non-stealing
brahmacharya, or abstinence from excessive sensual indulgence
and aparigraha, or non-possessiveness.

I have been trying to focus on this first step to enlightenment, and it is proving much more challenging than I had imagined. It is similar to the exercise where someone tells you "do not think of an elephant" and it's all you can do to keep the image of an elephant, or something big or grey or with large ears out of your mind.

I call to cancel a haircut appointment because I decide I don't want to spend $80 on a trim and while I would normally make up some lie about having to work or some other engagement I hear "satya satya satya" whispering in my head. I go to snag a cookie off the rack at work (which we all do almost every day) and I hear "asteya asteya asteya!" To make matters worse, I usually am not one to covet, but now that I'm focusing on non-possessiveness almost everyone I see has something I want - a hairstyle, boots, a baby, a bike, food. And I have been having some incredibly intense dreams that directly conflict with brahmacharya.

If this is a test, I am failing.

The only yama I seem to be having any success with is ahimsa. I abstain from eating animal products of any kind, so I avoid violence to animals; I naturally shy away from conflict; I abhor all physical violence. So I'm focusing on the positive and congratulating myself on a good job with yama number one, hoping the other four eventually fall into place. Which I'm sure they will.

One thing is certain, though: directing my attention to these five restraints makes me much more aware of my actions in general and the motives behind them. Much like the four cups exercise it zones in on intention, which helps connect me to everything I do. This in turn makes me feel connected to myself, others around me and the rest of the material world, which was the main goal of this whole project in the first place!

Have you ever thought about the five yamas, not necessarily in terms of yoga but in your own daily life? Which ones do you struggle with?

El mar

Un solo ser, pero no hay sangre.
Una sola caricia, muerte o rosa.
Viene el mar y reúne nuestras vidas
y solo ataca y se reparte y canta
en noche y día y hombre y criatura.
La esencia: fuego y frío: movimiento.

Poema de Pablo Neruda.

Music

Someone suggested that as part of connecting with mind and intellect I spend some time focusing on music. I thought this was a great idea and immediately started by directing my attention to what type of music I currently listen to, the lyrics, the mood it sets and how it generally makes me feel. I quickly began to realize that while music certainly opens my mind, often it does much more than that. I can feel it burying itself deep in my chest, vibrating the very core of my being. Touching, coaxing, molding my soul. Perhaps this would have been a more fitting addition to next month's project, but I am currently using it to enhance my experience of poetry.

The list must be longer, but right now this is what I can think of when I think of music that resonates deep within me, music that leaves me changed every time I hear it. I'll keep adding as I rediscover artists and songs that move me.

Cosmic Love - Florence + the Machine
Undo - Bjork
All is Full of Love - Bjork

What music touches your soul?

Mockingjay

A good book has no ending. - R.D. Cummings

***SPOILER DISCLAIMER: This post discusses details of end of The Hunger Games series.***

Well, I've officially finished my second book for the week, and I honestly wish I hadn't. I was weary of reading the last thirty pages because I knew no matter how the book ended I wouldn't be satisfied, but I had no idea the level of disappointment I would be faced with. I thought the execution of Snow would be anticlimactic and that I would be frustrated with whatever choice she made concerning her love interests, but to my surprise there was nothing much to be frustrated with. Which makes me even more irate!

How can someone who created such captivating characters and drew us into such intricate sequences of action, who invented this future world of a desensitized society discovering the heat of passion, whether for the battle field or for love or for freedom, just cut the story short with such a sorry excuse for an ending? Especially the ending of the love saga?

While the beginning of the third book moved rather slowly, this was expected. In all three books it takes a few chapters to pick up, and sometimes they are excruciatingly hard to get through do to horribly written dialogue or poor syntax. Whenever there is a lack of action it is generally slow going in my opinion. But for the most part I enjoyed where the story was going. I was interested and engaged. I was moved by the fight and I was attached to many of the central characters. And then it started falling apart.

Killing off Finnick was the first mistake, or at least killing him off in such a quick, impersonal manner. He had become integral to the story, as the only one who really understood Katniss's pain, especially with the whole Peeta ordeal. As lectors we had come to love Finnick, especially in his love of Annie, and the way his death was orchestrated did not give us enough time to really understand, let alone mourn. It seemed like an attempt to add depth to the plot, to bring a level of seriousness to the story without having to kill off either Peeta or Gale. Her pathetic recompense was to briefly mention in the epilogue that Annie later gave birth to his child, even though there was no mention of this anywhere else in the story. Maybe if we had known of the pregnancy earlier his death would have seemed more tragic and evoked something nearer to the reaction his character deserved.

The second mistake was Prim's death and the subsequent hazy piecing together of what happened. It is obvious that Primrose Everdeen was the true symbol of the revolution. It was her name being chosen for the reaping in book one that initiated Katniss's fierce fight for freedom. It was her youth, a symbol of the children of the outlying districts and the generations to come that would suffer under the oppressive hand of the Capitol that drove the districts to revolt. It was her remaining alive that carried Katniss through every sequence of the series. Snow's use of roses throughout the books was no coincidence. So what is the point of killing her off? Is it supposed to symbolize that the revolution was dead? That it had failed? Surely they could have killed off some other character to help Katniss see that her own revolutionary forces could have staged the attacks. It's not as if she listened or wholeheartedly believed anything the leaders said or did anyway.

But let's suppose Prim's death stays in the story in this fashion. The following sequence of Katniss going through a haze and having everything explained to her is confusing and frustrating within a story that at one time carried such intense sequences of action. Yet nothing compares to the cop-out that is the consequences of Coin's execution. We all fear the repercussions of her actions, even if it may have been justified, but then we quickly lose interest when excruciating hours of waiting for her punishment become days and the days turn into months. Our boredom turns to confusion and disbelief when she is simply liberated, sent home without the slightest reprimand. It does not feel like the end of a revolution. It feels like Suzanne Collins has a deadline for her third book and is running out of ideas, running out of ways to tie together all the ends she has left loose.

It is more than just a handful of loose ends we are left with. Why does Peeta suffer from such crippling hallucinations from the hijacking if he is to recover fully with no explanation later on? Why does Katniss's mother disappear from the picture? Why does interest in Haymitch dissipate after we are taken back to the Victor's Village? Why is Gale so far away, and why do we not get the pleasure of at least one more painful encounter with them? Has her love for him honestly faded so quickly? How is it possible that the saga that was the love triangle is so clearly sidestepped? Katniss just decides to settle for Peeta? There is no battle to make the right choice? No struggle? Why kill off other important characters so mercilessly, but keep both Gale and Peeta alive for such an undeserving and anticlimactic ending? And why in the world spend a few sentences bringing Katniss and Peeta's children into a world that clearly hasn't improved much since her own childhood? It felt like a cheap attempt at the last chapter of the Harry Potter series, which quite frankly made me more sad than anything else.

Whatever passion I may have felt for this series throughout the second and beginning of the third book were replaced with revulsion and regret. If only this book had spent more time in the mind of its creator before being hastily put in ink. If only an editor had taken the necessary effort to fix the broken grammar and patch the holes. If only Collins had had the time or courage to finish the love story she started, with weapons or with words. If only.

I am honestly considering writing an alternative ending myself, but it would most likely necessitate so many changes in the rest of the text that I would basically be rewriting the whole series. If I am willing to put that much time and effort into creating a memorable story, my energy would be better spent working on something of my own. But that is a project for another month.

For now I cannot do much more than wallow in my disappointment. And possibly try to return these awful books to the bookstore.

Catching Fire

Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it. - P.J. O'Rourke

I've officially finished the first book for this week (and month). I'm slightly embarrassed (although I'm unsure why) to announce that the book I'm referring to is the second book of the Hunger Games series by Suzanne Collins, Catching Fire. Holy moses. How are these books for children?

Some coworkers and I decided to start an at-work bookclub. We read the same book and then have awesome discussions during downtime. It's a pretty sweet idea, but so far we haven't been able to get too into it because someone hadn't read the books yet (me!). 

I'm already making progress on the third and final book of the series, Mockingjay, and I'm excited to see what crazy discussions come up in the next week.

Have you ever read a book (or series) you couldn't put down, even (or especially) if it made you slightly embarrassed to admit you loved it? (We already know you loved Twilight; tell me about something else!)

Four Cups

While asking for suggestions for this month one of my favorite people on the planet, who encourages intellectual growth every time I am around her, recommended something she learned from one of her professors. He calls it the Four Cups Exercise.

Imagine you have four empty cups at the beginning of each day. These cups are labeled. One says "WORTH". One says "FREEDOM". One says "FUN". And one says "BELONGING". The idea is simple. At the beginning of each day, you remember the cups and attempt to fill them through deliberate actions. Try to accomplish something that is within the context of each idea.

So maybe for fun you'll cook or read or dance around your living room in your pajamas listening to Florence + the Machine. And maybe for worth you'll finish a project, or start a project, or compliment yourself for a job well done. The possibilities are endless.

I have only been attempting this for three days and already I feel a little more fulfilled. It's really easy at the end of the day to look back over everything I've done and say "Okay, I ran seven miles, that could take care of worth," but it is so much more rewarding each morning to really approach the coming day with intention. How can I feel like I belong? What would truly make me feel free? An added benefit is that by paying such close attention to my intentions, even before I begin to tackle them, I feel much more connected to my actions and to myself on the whole. It's such a simple activity, childish almost, but the resulting feeling of fulfillment is intoxicating. Every time I fill a cup I feel a little more connected. And wasn't that the whole purpose of this project in the first place?

So... what are you filling your cups with?

Bookworm

You can't get a cup of tea big enough or a book long enough to suit me. -C. S. Lewis

Many of you have offered up suggestions of what books to crack open this month on my journey into the mind. Here they are. I will try to tackle them all, but no promises.

Shogun by James Clavell
Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett
World Without End by Ken Follet
The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins
Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins
Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins
Hyperion by Dan Simmons
The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf
Neverwhere by Neal Gaiman
Stardust by Neal Gaiman
American Gods by Neal Gaiman
Enders Game by Orson Scott Card
Speakers of the Dead by Orson Scott Card
The Moon Is A Harsh Mistress by Robert Heinlein
Any book by Simon Schama
The Wild Wood by Charles de Lint

Let me know of any other suggestions! Other forms of media are welcome, too - essays, short stories, films, music. Thanks for your help!

WE ARE MADE OF WATER

I have carried your pain   in metal buckets and
I still go for water   every so often
and that water   is so cold and hard
that it stings my hands,   its weight makes me feel
my arms will break   at the shoulders and yet
I go to that well   and drink from it   because
I am, as you,      made of water


The poem of the day is by Marilyn Dumont from A Really Good Brown Girl.
This poem has been used without permission, but I highly highly recommend that everyone check out her work, especially the rest of this book of poems. She has a way of stirring emotions with words and her work is quite simply remarkable.

Act I Scene II: Connect with Mind & Intellect

 

It's day one of the second month of project reconnect and I'm excited to work on mentally challenging goals instead of physically exhausting ones.

The things I'd like to work on are, fittingly, less set in stone than the habits I wanted to address in the first month of connecting. I'm still not exactly sure what a deeper connection to my mind will entail, so my goals will most likely adapt as the month progresses. If any of you have any ideas or suggestions, ways to help me work on getting closer to the self or getting in tune with my intellect, please feel free to leave your comments!

So far the things I would like to work on consist of:

• Meditating twice daily
• Journaling daily
• Reading one poem per day (including an author I've never heard of at least once a week)
• Giving myself three compliments each day
• Reading two books per week
• Reading The Synthesis of Yoga
• Reading Lectures on Yoga
• Keeping track of my levels of stress and happiness

Beyond that I am unsure. Where should I get the poems from? How should I choose which books to read? How can I accurately assess my stress levels? These are all things I will figure out along the way, but as always, suggestions are welcome!

Reconnecting with Act I Scene I

It is the eve of my transition from body to mind, and I have come to terms with the fact that I am awful at staying up to date. This is my biggest goal for the entire year. To communicate here at least once a day. Whether just a quote or picture or a short novel, I want to use this medium to capture what goes on daily in order to help me process the big picture later on.

This first month flew by and I can hardly believe it is the last day. The first week or two was me adjusting and trying to figure out how to fit it all in, the third week was about me knocking almost everything off my list & feeling incredibly proud, and the last week was about me being so busy I neglected to really keep track of anything on a single day which made me feel guilty and like a failure. There's a Turkish proverb I like that advises "no matter how far you have gone down a wrong road, turn back." I usually have a hard time admitting I've gone off track which means it's a long time before I'll even consider turning around. Well, I'm back on my path and I'm going to try my hardest not to stray again. To stay focused. No promises or guarantee I'll succeed, but hey, that's what this is all about. Trying to learn from my mistakes, to connect with them and move forward in the present.

Here's what I found most important regarding what I learned about my body, image and habits this first month:

• I need to meditate. Even if it's just five minutes when I wake up and five minutes before bed. My day feels less stressful and I am more capable of handling stressful situations when I begin and end my day in this way, maybe because it helps me pause and breathe when confronted by something unpleasant where I would usually tense up and react. Even my husband felt a difference in my attitude the days I didn't meditate in the morning, which was unbeknownst to him. This is something I want to make a priority.
• Doing yoga and training for a marathon every day is too much for me. It's exhausting. I wake up resenting all the time I'll spend on these tasks and often waste the morning avoiding doing them, meaning I enjoy them much less. Ideally I'd like to do one or the other each day, though I do want to stretch every day.
• I can see a visible difference in my complexion when I meditate, drink adequate water and practice my skin care routine (washing with calendula infusion and spraying with rose water). The skin is the largest organ, an outer reflection of what's going on inside. I'd like both to be calm and clear, and would like this to be a priority, as well. 
• Having a table (we finally bought a big oak dining room table and eight chairs!!!) changes everything. It changes the dynamic of eating. I am less tempted to read or look at the computer while eating, and much much more likely to eat at the same time as my husband, which benefits us both.
• I can feel a huge difference in energy when I wake up earlier, start the day with juice and take my vitamins.
• I need to focus on preparing hearty meals and eating a good lunch on the days I work.
• While enjoy getting to know my body, paying attention to too much detail stresses me out and is counter productive.
• I am horrible of keeping track of what I eat.
• I am absolutely awful at keeping this forum updated.
• I am not ready to complete the 40 days of yoga.
• With work the way it is, I will never go to bed at a decent hour.
• I enjoyed taking more care of my appearance. It made me feel more confident, sexy, happy and helped keep my mood up, even the things I was most nervous about (wearing lipstick more often, for example). 
• The little things add up, and I can be proud of them just as much as the big ones (flossing, taking my vitamins, eating breakfast).

I am extremely proud of myself for starting this project, and excited to see where it leads me. I know I can push myself more and am dedicated to stay committed. I don't know if I feel more connected to my body, but I feel more aware of my habits and aware of my actions, which inspires me daily to take better care of myself.